Grifting Lately

It's been a minute since we've discussed the fabulous condo life, but I do have a nice Mulva update for everyone.  
Apparently Baldy Jim grew a brain, reattached his ball sack and ended his love affair with Mulva; however, he didn't get out unscathed.  Baldy Jim is now reportedly broke from being grifted nearly to death.  Baldy Jim is being forced to sell his prized Chrysler Sebring convertible.  He has also repossessed a granite top dining table from Mulva and is selling that as well.  
The days of Baldy Jim paying for rent, Direct TV, internet access, and chauffeuring Mulva's teenagers to high school in the wee hours of the morning (while she slept in) are over.  Mulva got canned from her part time job not too long ago and decided she really didn't want to work anymore- which makes sense when you're broke and have kids to support.  Mulva stated that Baldy Jim didn't want her to work either.  Unfortunately Baldy Jim overlooked the fact that his meager income couldn't support her lifestyle of laying around, tanning, weekly hair dye jobs, manicures, eating out at fine dining establishments each Friday night and her going out for cocktails with her lady friends. It's possible Baldy Jim may have forgotten about the other life he had with his actual wife- to whom he is still married.  
At least Mulva attempted to cover some household expenses, like groceries.  She wrote a worthless check to the local grocery store last month on the order of $86.00.  I'm sure the grocery store will just let that slide.  I mean how can they expect her to have to pay for food?!? The nerve!!
Supposedly, Baldy Jim is still giving Mulva a few shekels to get by on for now, but Mulva has been forced to start a new job next week at some bar/restaurant strip club. Pretty sure Mulva will be on the prowl for an emergency replacement for Baldy Jim in order to get out of that whole work thingy as soon as possible.
I wonder if Baldy Jim also got sick of Mulva's horribly disrespectful, entitled teenage brats.  Perhaps Mulva should read this article  http://www.details.com/sex-relationships/marriage-and-kids/200711/are-you-raising-a-douchebag  I think they wrote this for her about her parenting.  
The bottom line is that Mulva flew too close to the sun on the wings of pastrami.  She didn't quite sink her hooks into Baldy Jim deep enough and he wriggled free.  Run Baldy Jim.  Run for your fucking life you poor, broke bastard.

The Weirdos: The Muscle Chick & The Lonely Chick

Nothing wrong with working out and staying in shape, but sometimes people take things too far, and the muscle chick is one of those people.  She is like a walking, talking, big, bulging muscle.  

For the most part she keeps to herself, which is awesome.  You could not ask for a better condo neighbor.  That being said I don't converse with muscle chick.  I only see her.  She wasn't always so ripped.  She used to be just well toned, and she also used to have a boyfriend.  But it seemed like when she started bulking up the boyfriend stopped coming around.  Maybe he was intimidated that she was more manly than him?  Maybe she curled him.  Who the fuck knows.  

Next door to the muscle chick is the lonely chick.  She really, really keeps to herself and rarely even goes outside.  No one comes over to see her and I think she only goes to work and comes home.  I've talked to her once when the condo association was doing this light replacement project.  She seemed stunned that anyone knocked at her door and was super excited to have someone stop by.  The entire time she was really chatty.  I sure hope she doesn't hang herself in there.  Maybe she should get a cat.  

Desperate Times...

After much consternation I determined I'd be willing to part with a digit to get out of here.  

The Weirdos: Joyce

There are so many things wrong with her I don't even know where to start.  She lives in the geezer building, by that I mean 50+ geezers all live there.  I'm not 100% sure on how old Joyce actually is because she like Cookie likes to lay out in summer and tan the leather hide.  Except Joyce does it in skimpy bikinis that should be reserved for people half her age.  I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about that visual. ((shudder))  
One thing I do know about Joyce is that she is one of the most unfriendly people I've ever met in my life.  Ran into her once at the community mailbox and I smiled and said "Hi" she looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language or had snakes coming out of my head. The best part was that she said nothing- though another neighbor said she had a similar experience with Joyce too.  I have made it a point to pretend she isn't even there whenever I do see her now.  Fuck it. Weirdo.

She also walks like she just got done at the gang bang.  I mean, its possible she's getting gang banged in her spare time, who knows.  It just bothers me that a person walks around looking like they spent 9 hours riding a horse.  Get some leg braces or something for your rickets. 
I've heard she is a teacher or something.  I hope she teaches gym class because she is a fucking dolt.  At the annual meetings she's attended she can barely put together a coherent sentence. Sometimes I'm surprised she doesn't fall down more.  

The worst is when I saw her at the grocery store.  Again I just pretended I she wasn't there, or I didn't know her.  She was two people behind me, and she apparently was so tired from getting gang banged all day that she couldn't bear to hold her basket any longer and started moving the person's food that was in line behind me to make room for hers on the checkout lane.  She mumbled something to that person like 'Imma just move yer stuff.'  Like she gave a shit if they minded?  Good thing she wasn't moving my stuff because I'd have punched her in the face right there at the checkout in front of the bag boy and everything.

The Annoying: The Other Mary & Her Poor Husband

I didn't have a problem with these people right off the bat.  It took awhile and being on a door replacement project committee with them and a few annual meetings.  We will go into the nightmare of annual condo meetings in another post.  I might go hang myself if I think about it too much right now.

The Other Mary & Her Poor Husband (not poor in the monetary sense, but the poor fuck is married to this overbearing bitch) are totally pro-condo.  They love condos so much that they have a winter condo down south, the one here for no apparent reason and another up north for summer.  So they aren't around to be annoying all the time.  The very fact that they own 3 condos should be a good indicator that they aren't playing with a full deck.  That and they own 2 minivans.  Owning a condo and a minivan should automatically send up all kinds of red flags of outright stupidity.  If you ever meet a person that owns a condo and a minivan you will know they are stupid.  Try and sell them some magic beans.  I bet that they buy those fake, grossly overpriced rare coin scams you see advertised on TV too.  

The trouble started when the whole door committee came up.  The storm doors needed to be replaced and a group of people were asked to figure out what color and type of door to get.  The Other Mary & Her Poor Husband were both on the committee of door bullshit.  The Other Mary & this bitch Sandy wanted an etched glass storm door that cost $600.00 a piece.  Okay, this isn't some high end place, its a fucking condo.  Plus etched glass...you know the kind the old people like?? Guess it makes sense since she is old, but not everyone here is and I hate that tacky shit.  Maybe we should get everyone some matching doilies to put out on all our coffee tables too dumb ass.  This woman yapped on and on demanding an expensive etched glass door, so seriously this is when I realized she was an annoying idiot.  Ugh, recalling this event makes my head hurt.  The Poor Husband didn't seem to care.  I think he probably mentally checked out a long time ago, if not I hope he drinks to cope.  Poor bastard.  

The Crazies: Cookie

First of all who calls themselves "Cookie"?  What a whoreish, fucking dumb name.  Cookie is a long time resident, divorced, single, retired, whiny, complainy and utterly fucking annoying.  Perhaps I should start calling myself muffin, or pie face?  I once knew a woman named "Candy" and she was a rotten whore too, but I digress. 

Cookie likes to sit out behind her condo unit and tan in the summers.  Now contrary to what you might be thinking, this isn't the usual type of tanning.  This is like old leather baseball glove tanning.  Animal hide tannery tanning.  She looks like a walking, weathered leather jacket.  Pretty sure she also uses some type of self tanner because her leather appears to be orange in color, or maybe it is just her horrible cheap-whore dyed red hair reflecting off of her leather, but it all gives Bob Cooper a case of the sads in his pants.

Cookie also enjoys planting flowers in the summer, but not just a container of flowers by her unit, no, no, no.  She likes to pretend she is damned P. Allen Smith on fucking PBS.  Except she isn't.  Cookie fucking sucks rocks at gardening.  We have a landscaper, and residents have suggested that he just plant the flowers around the property in summer since he actually knows what he's doing... but nope good ole leather face has to do it.  Leather face also goes to the most overpriced garden store she can possibly find to buy a couple of geraniums, petunias & a bag of dirt for $120.00. She doesn't give a fuck since she makes the association pay for it.  Clearly, she is a fucking moron, but that goes without saying since she lives in a condo.  This year the flowers looked like some real ass.  It might have been because of the drought, but I think they just shriveled up and died because they hated her.

If they do a remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre she can be cast in the role of Leather Face and they won't even need to do any make-up or costumes.  On Halloween she actually just sits outside her door sans costume with a bowl of candy & scares kids.  

Tweeting time.  Condos Flawed Logic is on Twitter at https://twitter.com/CondoSuck

Griftin' and a Driftin'

Here is a cautionary tale to those who might consider renting that unsellable condo. 

Patience is a Virtue
The housing market might suck, but not doing a background check or getting references & allowing a bozo to live in your condo could suck more.  Some condos won't allow owners to rent, but the association here does. That brings us to the tale of Mulva.  Mulva isn't her real name, but I've talked to her a bunch of times & still can't remember her fucking name.  Anyhow, Mulva is the renting the unsellable unit next door.  The owner moved out of state let the place sit on the market for 6 months & after zero offers allowed the fucko realtor to rent it & find a tenant (don't ever do this EVER- the dipshit realtor would've rented this place to a hobo in order to not have to deal with it.  No commission=no caring). Somehow Mulva negotiated the rent amount down & it was way less than what the owner could've gotten if they'd had an ounce of patience.  Thus Mulva is basically renting a place she can't afford.  At first I questioned why?  Why would anyone attempt to rent beyond their means? The answer is grifting.  I actually have heard that she doesn't even make one rent payment, that she makes several installments a month.  I've also heard her say things like 'they don't really need the money, as much as I do.'  No, idiot they don't, but pay your damn rent.  Fucking grifter.  I bet she gave them some sorry ass sob story too.

The Reposession of a Honda Accord
Aside from not being able to afford her rent, she apparently also couldn't afford to make the car payment because a couple weeks after moving in her newer-ish car was repossessed.  Heard from one of the neighbors that witnessed the repo- it was pretty much like those stupid repo shows on TV, lots of crying & pleading, but they took the car in the end. Mulva said she was only like 60 days behind in her payments, so they really shouldn't have taken it. You know, only 60 days... not sure what this woman spends her money on, but she is rather skinny, so maybe its crack. 

Mulva has a boyfriend Baldy Jim- don't remember this dude's actual name either, but he is middle aged, baldy, has an affinity for gold chains & enjoys the music of Bone Thugs & Harmony  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMYAEHE2GrM.  Based on the assessment, he appears to not be all that bright and is in some kind of handy-man-construction-plowing type business & he does hair on the side, but not professionally (to be honest I wouldn't trust someone to do my hair if they don't have much of their own, nor would I trust a fucko that has such horrid taste in music- wouldn't be surprised if he likes Nickelback too). Yeah, Baldy Jim is as awesome as you imagine him to be.

Back to the car- Baldy Jim helped her out and got her this sweet decades old Cavalier with like 200k miles.  Sadly he couldn't afford to buy her a newer car since he is kinda married to someone else.  And obviously she couldn't afford to buy herself a car- let alone pay for the one she had- so just con someone else into doing it for you.  After a bit the shitty Cavalier thing got old & Mulva wanted something better, so she from time to time "shares" Baldy Jim's convertible (don't worry its a Chrysler & not impressive).  Mainly she is sharing during those times when he & his car don't need to be back home with his wife.

The Cable Shim-Sham
Mulva can't afford internet, so she asked if Baldy Jim could drill a hole through a shared wall and put in splitter to share/steal the cable internet with the friendly neighbor who lives on the other side of her. The neighbor said "fuck no" so now, instead Mulva is hacking someone else's unsecured Wi/Fi here in condoville. Mulva said she 'just can't afford it, so she isn't a bad person for tapping into someone else's internet and stealing it.'  No, Mulva you aren't a bad person.  You're just an asshole. 
P.S. lock down your network. Duh.

Dog Shit Shoe
Unfortunately Mulva has a dog. I love dogs, but I feel bad for Mulva's dog.  She pretty much leaves home & asks the previously mentioned other friendly neighbor to feed the dog, let the dog out, etc- part of the grift. Mulva's dog also wanders the property unleashed, unattended & craps wherever. In a condo, you can't let your pets do that.  But Mulva doesn't care.  Nor does she pick up after it.  I stepped in some dog shit today.  Debated putting the smashed turd in her grill.  Shit. Its what's for dinner.  

Why Not to Trust Random Strangers
Mulva also found a new way to scam money from the owner of the condo. She tells them that things in the condo are broken (how would the owner know when they live over 1,000 miles away??) the owner offers to call someone to fix whatever for her. Mulva tells the owner she knows of someone to call to fix it & then gets Baldy Jim to do it for her for free.  Baldy Jim charges the owner & they send him a check & he in turn gives the money to Mulva.  The owner isn't stupid. Honestly they are successful, nice people, but their downfall is assuming that all people are good, that the world is made out of marshmallows and everyone is getting sunshine enemas. WRONG!  The world has douchey people like this in it.  I seriously think that Mulva is going to hell.  Maybe not to rot, but like for a pit stop. 

Mulva has 2 kids.  I really, really don't even remotely know their names.  I feel super bad for them because she cares more about herself first & foremost, then her dog, then boozing (maybe crack) & then Baldy Jim than whatever her kids are doing. Pretty sure the daughter will be on 16 & Pregnant soon.  Hopefully her son has a dad or maybe a friend whose parents might take mercy on him & let him move in with them. 

Whatever, Who Cares?
A condo isn't a free place where you can do as you please or whatever you want.  There are a whole set of rules, regulations & bylaws that regulate your home life (kill me).  If you are the slovenly type, especially with the exterior of your unit you will have a problem- because everyone who lives in the condo association will have a problem with you. 
So Mulva has been advised to leash her dog, clean up after her dog, not leave her grill sitting out front, leave trash cans sitting outside, leaving coolers sitting outside, not leave a lamp sitting outside (for real a lamp). Mulva doesn't care.  She said that when she lived with her parents at their condo prior to living here she had racked up almost $2,000 in fines for violating the rules.  Yep, that is what happens in a condo, you fuck up, you get warned, then fined.  Don't want to pay the fine?  That's cool- the association will just slap a lien on your property.  


The Moral of the Story
As much as I want to get the fuck out of my condo, and have considered renting it if it doesn't sell, it gives me pause.  The owner who used to live next door is a first time landlord that didn't do any homework & have exactly what you don't want out of a tenant.  Sure hope they got a security deposit, but bet they didn't.  

• Do a fucking background check on any potential renter.
• Do not just rent your condo to the first piece of shit that comes along.
• Get some references for a potential renter.
• Pretty sure Mulva will be evicted and living in a ditch soon.

The Crazy's: Mary

I figured a good starting point before getting into all the crazy stories would be to do profiles for the idiots I am now forced to live around.  That is unless I swallow some Drano and end this.

Today's profile:  Mary

Mary is 85 years old.  I know this because she points this fact out in every crazy letter that she sends to the board.  Mary is a faker and pretends to be disabled.   She walks with a cane whenever people from the condo are around, but in reality is quite spry.  I've seen her at the grocery store getting around just fine and as soon as she saw me, put on her little act. 

Like any old person that just needs to die already, she has nothing better to do than watch everyone and complain about stupid things while adjusting her shit filled Depends.  The majority of her complaints involve parking violations.  Even though she has one car and zero visitors ever, she feels the need to complain when any resident uses guest parking.  Her son would come to visit, but he's in jail for being a kiddie diddler.

All of Mary's correspondences with the board are hand written, so it takes a while to decipher her shitty old timey verbiage letters. (1860 called, they want to sell you a typewriter). She rambles on about some garbage like petting dinosaurs and fucking Charlie Chaplin.

One of these days she is going to die in that condo and rot for months and no one will notice or give a shit.  I just hope they find her before she turns to goo and the smell kills the plants.

Welcome

I live in a condo, it sucks... So I'm going to post about my living hell and all the assholes, weirdos and psychos I have to deal with.

If you've ever thought about buying a condo, avoid it like the fucking plague.  Unless you want to buy my condo, in which case this is all a joke!  You should totally buy it because living here is so awesome!  Really though, I die a little inside every day.


Welcome to my hell.